Fake Tweets

Important note: I am actually home in Fort Lauderdale, but because I wrote so much material in my notepad, I was not able to sit in an internet cafe long enough to put it all on my blog while I was in Panama.

April 3rd, Saturday. waiting for a bus to Almirante:

pollitos (live baby chickens) at this bus terminal for 60 cents each. too bad I cant takem home, Chucho wud love some playmates #catfood

The most awkward moment of my Panama trip

Sitting on a nearly empty bus that was headed to David, a 16 year old Panamanian girl (who looked about 12) named Alexandra sat next to me and started quizzing me in spanish. For the 45 minute trip to Panama's second biggest city, I decided it would be a good opportunity to rehearse my spanish and talk with a local. She was extremely friendly, and also attempted to talk to the Dutch girl in the seat in front of us, but the woman couldn't speak spanish.

Turns out, she was also headed to Changuinola, which is the bus I needed from David to get to the ferry for Bocas Del Toro in Almirante. Our friendship continued for another 6 hours on another bus. Conversations included local music, Linkin Park, favorite foods, Boquete, family, stolen passports, miel de sabe, etc. About 3 hours into our discussions, I began to fear the appearance of our friendship to the locals around us.

Near the end of the ride, I began talking to a local Bocas resident. After he answered my questions about the ferry departure schedule, he asked me "So is your girlfriend traveling with you to Bocas?", glancing at Alexandra.

I couldn't have been more adamant in tell the man that she was merely a friend I met on the bus from Boquete; nothing more, nothing less. My fear had become a reality. I tried to limit conversation with Alexandra after the man's comment.

When I got off the bus at Almirante, I hailed a taxi driver to take me to la lancha (small boat) dock. With a cop standing near me, I gave Alexandra a goodbye wave from afar, but she began walking towards me. It appeared like she wanted a Latin American style hug and cheek kiss farewell. I hunched over to give her an awkward hug, and said goodbye again. Apparently, she wanted to whisper something in my ear, so I hunched over again to hear what she has to say. Keep in mind, this police officer has his right eye on me the whole time.

"Can I have $5 for dinner? I'm out of cash."

I told her "lo siento (sorry)", hopped in the cab. As the taxi sped off, I saw her dejected face through the back window of the taxi.

As I reflect on the most awkward moment in my 2 week trip, I honestly still believe she was genuine with her overt friendliness. If we were in Vietnam, I'd think she was trying to scam me for sure. However, Central Americans don't usually talk to you for long periods of time to lure you into a scam; they will just pick pocket you or hold you up at gun point. In hindsight, I think she had a crush on me, and I was too excited to be speaking in spanish with a local to realize it at the time.

So, in case you are reading this Alexandra, I apologize for not donating you a bit of cash for dinner, but you put me in a strange position. I hope you understand that in my country, 27 year olds don't date 16 year olds. If you find this post, comment with your email address so I can send you the newest Linkin Park CD. Ciao.

¨Nescafe should be called No Es Cafe¨

People that have drank my coffee concoctions know that I don´t drink coffee for taste; its all about the caffeine high for me. No trip to Boquete would be complete without a tour about Panama´s famous coffee. Unfortunately, Boquete has gotten so popular in the last 3 years that the tour´s price doubled from a reasonable $14 to $30 for the Lonely Planet recommended 3 hour coffee tour with Cafe Ruiz. Fortunately, Cafe Ruiz has an alternative tour for broke backpackers like myself that is only $9, and only goes to the roasting facility. There are so many things that I didn´t know about coffee, and after the tour I tried to jot down as many facts as I could remember. Here is what I scribbled:

- Panama is the smallest country that produces coffee
- 8 of the last 10 years, a coffee farm from Boquete has won the worldwide Coffee Olympics (I forgot the name). Cafe Ruiz won in 2001.
- Panama is the only producer of geisa, the tastiest type of coffee plant. It can only be grown at elevations of 1,000 - 1300 meters, with a sufficient level of rainfall per year. Other countries do not produce it because the plant requires more space and does not produce as many coffee beans. Ethiopa used to grow them, but they chopped them all down. Unroasted, the bean sells for $130 per pound to gourmet coffee shops around the world. Roasted, it sells for over $400 per pound. Cafe Ruiz only sells their beans unroasted (green beans or gold beans). This bean is the reason Panama keeps winning the Coffee Olympics.
- Dark coffee is not stronger. It just means that it has been roasted longer and has a more bitter flavor. The only way to make coffee stronger is to put more coffee and less water in your coffee maker. Expresso is pretty much slightly burnt coffee beans, hence the bitter flavor.
- the top coffee producing countries drink the least amount of coffee. No coincidence, most of those countries have extremely warm climates. The top coffee drinking countries are all in cold climates (Finland, Austria, etc).
- Coffee is being produced less and less in Panama. Over 60% of the country´s coffee cultivation is in Boquete. The influx of retirees are buying up coffee farm land at outrageous prices that locals cannot refuse (1.5 million dollars for 2 hectares of land, minimum of 350,000 dollars for 1 hectar of land). Cafe Ruiz already announced that they would not sell their 25 farms.
- from planting a coffee tree seed to the first quality coffee bean, it takes about 6 years.
- you should never put cream, milk, or sugar in quality coffee
- If a coffee bean sinks in water, its a good bean. If it floats it either means that bugs have eaten in the inside or that there is fungus inside. Folgers and Nescafe use the floaters in their coffee.

- Atleast at Cafe Ruiz, every part of the coffee bean is used. Obviously, the bean is the coffee, the skin is used to fuel the furnace in the roaster, the ashes are sprinkled in the soil of new coffee plants

- Cafe Ruiz has 25 farms in Boquete

- Over 70% of coffee made in Panama is made in Boquete

- Panama is the only Latin American country where the coffee growers are not controlled by the government. For that reason, you can enjoy quality coffee within the country because they don't export all of it

- Each farm's beans are bagged individually before roasting.

- The beans on the plant must be red before you pick them

- The bean inspectors have over 50 possible descriptions for the smell of a particular coffee bean

- The season for coffee bean cultivation in Boquete is from October to March only

- Their roasters can produce 267 lbs of roasted beans per 20 minutes

- Cafe Ruiz can only be found in gourmet coffee shops

- If a bag of coffee says mixed grains or chickory, it's not 100% made of coffee beans.

- "Flavored" coffee is not really flavored. Its merely scented with a liquid that is produced in New Jersey

I forgot a lot of stuff I learned, but I think I wrote down the important facts. I highly recommend taking the Cafe Ruiz tour if you ever go to Boquete.

Restricted Book Exchanges Can Go To Hell

This is a note I wrote on the inside cover of Box Office Champions: The Biggest Movie Blockbusters of All Time, an uninspiring book that simply summarizes and reviews the top grossing movies from 1944-1984.

Dear Hostel X,

Sorry for ruining your book exchange by trading this piece of shit book for a significantly better one from your collection. I picked this up mainly because I wanted to dump my 800 page Stephen King book to save space in my backpack. Blame Luna´s Castle for having a bad book exchange with no good books to choose from.

Con amor,
Another book exchange victim

Thanks Luna for not letting me trade my quality Stephen King novel Black House into your restricted book exchange because it broke your ¨no thrillers¨rule, you f**king book exchange nazis. I could´ve had No Country For Old Men or Rolling With Dre (biography on Dr Dre), but noooo, now some innocent hostel will be stuck with the filth from your awful unrestricted book exchange. Now, I´m stuck reading my Spanish-English dictionary to entertain me before I go to bed.

Day 2 in Boquete: just the highlights

- Hiked 2 hours roundtrip to a cascada (waterfall). I meant to hike the all day trek on the Sendero De Los Quetzales, but some dude with a mini machete pointed me in the wrong direction. Apparently, I could´ve still seen some quetzales on this other much shorter trail, but I didn´t. (see previous post on this annoying bird)
- Hiked 2 hours uphill to get a view of Boquete from a higher point. As my legs started to fail me, it became more of a personal challenge than a sight seeing hike. Came up with a lot of good business ideas on the downhill portion of the walk.
- Tried sancocho, the national dish of Panama. It´s a soup with chicken and vegetables in a delicious broth. Nothing spectacular, but a nice change from the usual carb laden meal.
- Had a good writing session (this is part of it) at Cafe Ruiz. This double expresso really hit the spot. I wish gourmet coffee was cheaper back home, I´d probably try to write at coffee shops more often. It also helps that the view from my seat on the cafe´s patio is absolutely amazing.

The day´s fake tweet:
Why did I trust the dude with the machete. In the middle of forest somewhere outside of Boquete FML (not really)

A new threat....bird watching?!?

I have little patience or desire for bird watching. There is nothing that interests me about it and I´m typically not good at spotting wildlife. I sucked at finding Waldo, why do I think I can find a particular tiny bird in the middle of a jungle. That being said, in my total accumulated time in Central America (my 2008 summer trip + this trip), I have continually heard about this f**king bird called the Quetzal. Guatemala was so obsessed with the bird that they named their currency quetzales. The funny thing is, I have never met a traveler who has seen one or had photo evidence. Today, I woke up at the crack of dawn to find one of these elusive birds. As you can imagine, I failed in my quest. I am starting to think that the Quetzal is just one big Central American inside joke that they use to haze travelers. Before I am buried 6 feet under, I swear I will find one of these goddamn birds.

Day 1 in Boquete summarized

Highlights of Day 1 in Boquete

- Walked around the city. Found some good photo opportunities of the cloud covered mountains and some old warehouses
- Met 2 friendly Panamanians, Pancho Palacios (owner of Hostal Palacios) & a woman who worked at a used clothes thrift store. Pancho might be the most energetic and enthusiastic person I´ve ever met. It was almost as if he drank Boquete´s famous coffee all day long. He was a bastion of knowledge about Boquete and the surrounding area. Also, he gives backpackers a cheaper rate because ¨we are tired from our long travels¨. Hostal Palacios, which also happens to be his home where his wife, son, parents, and dog live, gets my full hearted recommendation. The woman at the thrift store and I talked for about 30 minutes about traveling & universities. The highlight of our conversation was when she asked me if I had una novia (girlfriend).When I said no, she looked shocked then tried to convince me to date her 21 year old daughter because ¨she likes to travel too¨.
- drank my first (of many) cup of high quality Panamanian coffee at Cafe Ruiz, a world famous coffee producer and cafe.
- Had the strangest dream I´ve had in awhile. To summarize, I was an NBA player who was conflicted about playing for both my NBA squad and an intramural team which was coached by the actor who played the little brother in the remake of Gone In 60 Seconds. While I was discussing if I should play or not with my coach, I was hanging out at 1921 (a different version of the current venue), talking to Iggy Pop and some other famous person that I don´t remember now. Right before I woke up from the dream, I was taking a limo to my NBA game with the latest James Bond actor. So f**king weird.

Fake Tweets

on Playa Bluff on Isla Colon in Bocas Del Toro, 2pm Thursday, Panama time

wow, just shotgunned a beer at the time when Jesus apparently died (3pm EST). i hope hell doesn´t exist

5 mins later

whew, turns out he dies on Friday and not Thursday. im safe. spring break in Bocas Del Toro continues

Boquete Raton

On the main street, where the chicken buses from David enter the small mountain town of Boquete, there should be a sign that reads ¨Welcome to Boquete, The Boca Raton of Panama¨. Don´t get me wrong, I love this town (as well as Boca Raton) and have already stayed one more night than I anticipated, but I´m not entirely sure why this has become the hot new spot for retirees. Sure, it´s beautiful and the weather is just perfect, not too hot or cold, but there are plenty of cities like this in the world. Maybe it´s just me, but when I retire (ha) I want to be in an area where I have an array of options for suitable entertainment, sports channels, and cheap flights to visit different places. If you want to hike, go ziplining, or drink coffee all day, Boquete would be a fine stop to settle down before you die, but I´m guessing that most of these overweight German senior citizens sitting at the table next to me aren´t into that sort of thing, nor should they be; their fragile bodies and hearts might fail on them midway on the zipline.

On the positive side, the locals here are extremely friendly and the scenery is incredible. It´s full of tiring but beautiful hikes that can take you to undeveloped hot springs or through the home of rare bird, the Quetzal. Boquete is home to some of the greatest coffee this side of the world. I´ve also been able to try sancocho at a good Panamanian cafeteria, and will hopefully get a taste of mondongo tomorrow (small intestines). Overall, I´ve thoroughly enjoyed my 2 nights in this mountainous town.

On a related note, it´s hard for me to imagine retiring (assuming I will be able to retire) outside of the Miami/FTL area. In my head, I picture myself in Little Havana, playing dominoes, drinking cortaditos, wearing a white guayabera, and discussing Los Dolphins and when they are going to win a Super Bowl. Hopefully, I will also be going to Miami Marlins games, but unfortunately, I´d be shocked if the team was around in another 40 years (crossing my fingers)

I still don´t have diarhea, plus other interesting facts

As I write this, I am sitting on the patio of one of the most famous cafe´s in North America, Cafe Ruiz in Boquete, Panama. The cloud covered mountains I can see from my table, the natural high that is frequently felt when traveling abroad, and the double shot of high quality expresso has inspired me to write a blog about the little things. Even on the most mundane excursions such as past Sunday´s all day bus trip to the uninspiring city of David, at least a couple interesting and unique experiences occur.

Here are some examples taken from that ¨unproductive¨and ¨mundane¨day:

- Tried chicheme, which is a Panamanian spin on the popular latin drink arroz con leche. As far as I know, the main difference is that they insert corn kernels into the drink to give it a tapioca-like texture.
- Helped 2 clueless Dutch girls who spoke minimal Spanish to get their bus ticket to David. They needed the bus to get to their spanish lessons in Bocas Del Toro.
- Bought some questionable meat empanadas. After I bought it, the 2 girls behind the counter began to snicker which made me feel a little scared about eating them. I eliminated these thoughts as simply paranoia, and bit into them anyway. It´s very likely that the empanadas were filled with rotten meat based on the strange texture. Needless to say, I ate 1 and a half of them. I did not experience loose stools afterwards (surprisingly, I have yet to have diarhea, a rarity in Central America. knocking on wood)
- Caught a potential pick pocket from stealing my wallet. While on the bus, I felt my wallet slip out of my left short´s pocket. I stood up from my seat and shined my iPod light on the seat to see what else had fallen out. The local Panamanian guy sitting next to me abruptly got up from his seat, grabbed his bag, and got off the bus in the middle of nowhere. My guess is that he failed to snag my wallet, and realized he was caught. It was a rookie backpacker mistake on my part; never put your wallet/passport/camera on the pocket closest to the person sitting next to you
- Stayed in a hostel that night that was all purple. Literally, almost everything in the hostel was either purple already or painted purple. It was quite an impressive collection and unique looking hostel. No coincidence, it was called Purple House http://purplehousehostel.com/

By far, that day was my least productive day, but so many small, nonchalant events happened that could easily be overlooked. I guess that´s one of the purposes of this blog, to write down the minute details and experiences while they are fresh and soon forgotten. The ability to find bloggable topics even on ¨slow¨days is also a key step in becoming a more interesting blogger, which I aspire to be. If only I could stray away from my love for parentheses and bulletpoints.

Fake Tweets

7:04 AM lost in the middle of a forest outside of town
¿Why did I trust the dude with the mini machete? in the middle of i dont even know where, looking for a damn bird. FML (not really) #machetes

Panamanian Baseball League > Major League Baseball

As a dedicated miser, I pride myself on my uncanny money saving skills. However, between the 3 night bender in Panama City and a few erroneos decisions, my dream budget of $25 a day is becoming merely a dream. On the plus side, it´s been money well spent on some unique experiences and hanging out with new friends. After epic nights like last night´s Panamanian League playoff baseball game between the popular Los Santos Herranos (not sure that´s the real mascot) and the Bocas Del Toro Torgtugas, I start to forget about my reckless spending .

Upon arrival to the stadium, I was initially impresssed by the sheer size of the structure. Unlike Ron Caña Stadium in Granada, Nicaragua, this stadium rivaled the size of South Florida sporting venues such as American Airlines Arena or the Bank Atlantic Center (my guess is that it holds 25,000 people). Fortunately for us, the size was the only aspect that was comparable; if drinks and food were only $1 each at American pro sporting events, I´d be a Florida Panthers season ticket holder. The parking lot was more full than anticipated, and the bootleg merchandise vendors were set up outside the stadium, trying to hock everything from car flags to team polo shirts. (little known fact, buying jerseys from unofficial Panamanian vendors outside the stadium will cost more money than the stores inside the stadium). Team spirit was apparent among the throngs of fans that wore matching colored clothing that corresponded with their favorite teams.

After purchasing our $4 general admission tickets, we proceeded to the traditionally best seats, 3 rows up from homeplate. Since we were outsiders and had no favorite team, we figured itd only be right if we rooted for the popular team, in this case Los Santos. Our seats were amidst a sea of orange, the colors of Los Santos; in the right corner of the stadium, by first base, was a small faction of green and yellow, the Bocas fans. Our section was a typical crowd at a Florida Marlins game, fairly subdued and overpowered by the opposing fans´cheers. It took one inning for us to realize that we would get a better experience if we changed sides. As quietly as 12 drunk American backpackers could sneak out of a full row of people, we escaped to the enemy´s section.

The best way to describe our new section´s atmosphere is a mix of Rio De Janeiro´s Carnival and college night at a minor league baseball game. There was hardly a moment when the Boca´s fans stopped singing, dancing, or playing their big band trumpets and drumline drums. Periodically, they would start an infectious dance to the beat of their instruments which I can only describe as a Spanish Cha Cha Slide. This dance was a favorite among the group of backpackers, and the majority of us joined in the dances and chanting which made for some good video footage and photos. It also helped that on average, each us downed 1.5 beers an inning.

Between the constant movement and singing, the frequent service from the beer vendors (we were by far their best customers), the green hankerchiefs that were given to most of us as a gift, and the better than expected quality of baseball, the local Bocas fans really made the backpackers feel as if they were rooting for their favorite teams back home. When our team won the game, the entire section of people started throwing their leftover drinks and ice in the air, spraying everyone within 15 feet. I was sufficiently drunk by the end of the game, but I felt sincere joy that the green and yellow team won the game. The fans began their chants again, and eventually started a new song dedicated to us foreigners. It was simple, but it went something like this ¨Extranjeros! (foreigners!) whistle whistle whistle, Extranjeros! whistle whistle whistle¨ None us clearly had a preferred team at the start of the game, but after the friendly treatment by the Bocas fans, its safe to say that we have become lifelong Tortugas.

side note: After the game, 7 of us decided that hitchhiking home would be our quickest and cheapest option. We found an SUV that was willing to cram all 7 of us for $1 each. For some reason, when he dropped us off in Casco Viejo, he decided not to charge us. I felt compelled to include this random act of kindess. I always appreciate a friendly local on my trips.

More fake tweets

Sunday 7PM on a bus from Panama City to David
On a bus, the woman next to me is breast feeding and I am watching the Europe music video for Carrie. Lovin Panama http://bit.ly/oyW92

A quick summary about the rest of my days in Panama City

Some quick notes about the rest of my days in Panama City

- After visiting the Panama Canal, I decided to kill some time rather than lounge around the hostel, so I hopped on a bus to Panama Viejo, the first version of Panama City before it was demolished by Captain Morgan (yes, the same Capt Morgan on the bottles of spiced rum) in 1671. Nothing to enthralling, just a bunch of scattered half destroyed ruins, a rebuilt convent, and tower. The more interesting part of the midday trip was busing through most of central Panama City, where I was able to get a glimpse of the areas outside of Casco Viejo. I also enjoyed getting caught in the rain by Cinco De Mayo where the buses departed. I was able to take some pictures of some of the Diablos Rojos as they lined up in the rain. If you care for more info, here´s the wiki link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panama_Viejo

- At night, we went to a reggae warehouse bar called La Casona. The owners of the bar put no effort into renovating the warehouse to make it appear like a legal establishment. I think that´s what made it feel so cool and underground. The only decorations was a trippy mural on 1 wall, a bunch of white sheets hanging from the ceiling, and blue colored stringed lights that made the sheets glow. When I used to live in a warehouse for 3 months, I always dreamed of it looking like this bar.

- Spent day 3 at a local beach was some new friends I made at the hostel. We were trying to get to Veracruz, but got too anxious and jumped off the bus as soon as we saw a shore (turns out we were 1km short). We spent the day under an undersized thatched hut, having ridiculous conversations, making jokes about our friend John who was flirting with a 60 year old woman for nearly 2 hours, eating $1 plates of patacones (thicker plaintain chips). It was an extremely relaxing day.

- At the very end of that night, we were persuaded to head out to Calle Uruguay, the main drag with the fancy clubs, to do a little fist pumping. As you could imagine, it wasn´t nearly as fun as drinking in the low key spots near the hostel, but I did want to check it out before I left the city. In the guidebook, it describes the street as similar to South Beach. Let´s just refute that idea right now. Not only is the strip on Miami Beach at least 10 times as long with at least 50 times more bars and clubs, the quality of bars are incomparable. I am not a huge South Beach fan, but I will stand up and defend it in this case. Our group eventually sobered up after we didn´t want to continue buying 4 dollar beers. We ended the night at Pio Pio, a Panamanian fried chicken chain.

Apparently, Panama loves the band Europe

Every backpacking trip I've taken, I find an album or an artist that I associate with my travels. Last summer, it was Wolfmother & Piebald. 2 years ago, it was Mewithoutyou, NIN, Rage Against The Machine, & The Hush Sound. I haven't found this trip's official band, but I will note that I have continued to thoroughly enjoy the album Good Views, Bad News by the band Broadway Calls. Their brand of punk music reminds me so much of The Loved Ones, whose Keep Your Heart album made my top albums of the decade list. As now, they are the front runner for my favorite musical artist of my Panama Spring Broke Trip '10.

Here is some of their music http://www.myspace.com/broadwaycalls

I can tell you who is definitely not the band of PSB10, classic Swedish 80s rock band Europe. On my bus from Panama City to David, the bus steward decided to play this music video on full blast for all the lucky riders. Here it is:



Whether it's Vietnamese karaoke, Syfy channel TV movies such as Tyradactyl, James Bond rip offs such as Lazer Mission, or workout videos, I will never understand some of the choices local people make for enroute DVDs on long bus trips.

Venice ain't got sh*t!

Coming from the mecca of canals in the US, most people would assume that Ft Lauderdale locals would be waterway oficianados. After perusing the Panama Canal museum at the Miraflores Locks, it quickly became apparent to me the magnitude of my canal cluelessness. I've always thought of a canal as a water pathway that connects inland bodies of water to the ocean. That might be the case for Ft Lauderdale's pussy canals, but defintely not for the world's most famous interoceanic structure. For instance, the Panama Canal has a series of locks that raises and lowers the boats to match the different water levels of the lake and oceans that it connects. I could try to explain it to you, but this video does it better.

Here is a video of a ship passing through the entire canal, sped up to under 2 minutes:



Without paying the extra $3 for the adjoined museum or researching the canal's process and history beforehand, the actual viewing of a ship passing through the locks can appear to be quite anti-climatic. The water is a murky cocoa color, most of the ships are not impressive to look at, the surrounding scenery is dull, the water trickles out to lift the ships at a painfully slow 35 inches per minute, and you have to stand on the end of your toes to see over the line of wrinkled gawkers to even see the water; not exactly what I imagined when I pictured this internationally famous site. However, knowing the back story and the massive effort it took to complete the canal, especially with the limited resources back in the day, made this visually boring event into a fascinating stop on the Gringo Trail.

Side note: I think someone needs to organize a massive tubing event through the Panama Canal. As far as I know, anything or anyone can float through the locks (google Richard Halliburton) as long as you pay the toll which is based on weight. I don't see why dozens of child sized pink intertubes wouldn't be allowed to pass through.

Double Feature: I'm in a new band & I got hit by car

While sitting in Parque Santa Ana, listening to a senile local geriatric preaching over his megaphone about the dangers of disobeying Jesus Cristo, I got inspired to start a new Gray Guns side project, a latin fusion punk band....the name, Los Pecadores AKA The Sinners. Our first hit single, La Santa Joanna de fARCe (St Joan Of fARCe). oi oi oi! Facebook Fan Page to ensue.

Last night's tweet in my solo twitosphere:

3-25 6:57PM, somewhere on Ave Central near Casco Viejo, Panama City

Just got hit by a car on Ave Central in Panama City. Another 1st on the road. I'm ok, only nicked my heel #hit&run #panamacity

new blog section: I Would SO Tweet This Right Now

Since I can't tweet, I managed to simulate what I would've tweeted throughout the day. I even manually counted the characters to make sure it was twitter acceptable. In a way, writing down my potential tweets on a piece of paper is almost like tweeting in FTL's twitosphere anyway; it's not like anyone pays attention anyway. Here today's tweet I came up for my twitosphere of 1.

3:00PM, bus stop in Panama City:

nuthin more ridiculous than seeing a business woman waiting to board an elementary school bus. gotta love diablos rojos.

Below: a Diablo Rojo

Isthmus Of The Dead

It goes without saying, Spirit Airlines is my hands down favorite airline. It's entire business concept of undercutting on price (my ticket cost $213 roundtrip) and shock marketing (see: MILF or Threesome promo) is in line with most of my business ideas. Add to the fact, that they fly to Central America & some South American countries, AND they are based out of my hometown, the Venice Of America (FtL) and it might just be my favorite company all together (the other end of that spectrum is Ticketmaster, America's Backyard, & SunTrust Bank). That being said, a downside is the strange flight times, such as my red eye flight last night that put me in Tocumen Airport at 2am local time. I guess I can't complain though; I'm sure they fly out at weird times to keep the prices rock bottom. Nevertheless, for the beginning part of my lurk through Casco Viejo, I felt like an undead, walking through a post-diseased world. I say post-diseased because for every renovated colonial building in old Panama, there are 2 dilapidated structures that are nearly crumbled to pieces. It could be a perfect setting for the newest apocalypic zombie flick (Isthumus Of The Dead or Viente Ocho Days Later or something like that)Don't get me wrong though, in my own twisted way, I kind of prefer the half-demolished buildings; I compare it to Dania Jai Alai or the Orange Bowl, they're beautiful to us because they're so ugly and haven't been updated in decades. The mixture of nice, colonial buildings and eroded buildings makes for quite a lot of photo opportunities that make anyone try to mimic a professional photographer. Also, because Casco Viejo (Old Compound) juts out from the central part of Panama City, it also provides lots of views of the city skyline, the Bridge Of Americas, the Causeway, and other various major areas within the city.

I could bore you with the history of Casco Antiguo, but wikipedia does it so much better.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casco_Viejo,_Panama#Casco_Viejo_or_Casco_Antiguo



Caption: what I'm looking at right now from the hostel balcony

"It's like Miami, except they speak more English"

When I tell people that I am going to Panama City for Spring Break, I usually get responses that are related to our trashy sister city in the panhandle, Panama City Beach, Florida. Although I had an amazing time on that particular Gulf Coast beach in 2003 with the company of some of my best college friends, my trip this year could not be more dissimilar. Let’s break down just a few of these cities' disparities:

Panama City Beach, Florida

Remember the classic MTV show The Grind. Well, a lot of those episodes were filmed at “the world’s largest club” Club La Vela. As a one time patron at this super club, I will say that it does not live up to the billing. The majority of wildlife you'll see in or around Panama City Beach will be the overpopulation of stumbling underage girls and belligerent, croakie modeling, frat boys that roam the streets. This north Florida city is best known for it’s pina colada scented foam parties, tribal henna tattoos, constant Girls Gone Wild footage in March and early April, shoreside keg stands, and official 20XX Spring Break beer funnels & g-strings.

Panama City, Panama

How can Panama City, Panama top the “world’s largest club”, you ask? Well, the Panama Canal is one of the largest canals in the world and connects the two largest bodies of water, the Atlantic and Pacific. Just outside the city, you can visit a park that is home to wild monkeys and over 500 species of birds. The city, known as Little Miami, is best known for being Central America’s only cosmopolitan city, a bastion of Panamanian urban culture, having world renowned nightlife, quality dining, and a variety of entertainment options. Plus it's allegedly the best city in the world to get your eye color permanently changed.

Despite the overwhelming differences, there are a few similarities:

- Both cities use the US dollar

- Both are good places to get drunk

- If you happen to stay in a hostel in Panama (I am), you’ll be crammed in a single room with a bunch of people ( I think in college we fit 10 guys in a double room at the Travel Lodge in PCB)

Don’t get me wrong, I love PCB, but my expectations for this upcoming trip are just a bit different than my 2003 trip. Although, partying will inevitably be a major part of this trip*, I expect to gain a little culture, enhance my Spanish, meet a bunch of interesting people, visit some incredible places, and start writing again. Even though it’s a only a brief adventure this time, I plan on updating a blog at least every couple days for my own recollection and to share some of my experiences while it’s fresh in my head. If you have any suggestions of places or things I should do in Panama besides the Panama Canal, Panama City, Bocas Del Toro, and San Blas, feel free to write a comment or email me at migbravo@gmail.com .

Enjoy the blog. I hope I'll be posting some interesting, potentially comical, and controversial blurbs in the next 2 weeks.**

*To get an idea of how ‘inevitable’ partying is going to be, check out the websites of some of the hostels where I’ll be staying (http://www.mondotaitu.com/ & http://lunascastlehostel.com). Should be a raucous time.

**To get some examples of my past controversial blurbs, check out my blog entries on:

Bangkok Ping Pong Show

http://migquest.blogspot.com/2009/06/ping-pong-without-paddles.html

Nicaraguan Cock Fight

http://migquest.blogspot.com/2008/08/here-it-is-highly-anticipated-cock.html &

http://migquest.blogspot.com/2008/08/rooster-fight-part-2.html

Malaysia's exploding pop punk scene

I can't sleep.

I have watched very little TV in SE Asia, but I have seen a promo commercial for this particular band's upcoming LP numerous times. Their name is Bunkface and they are straight out of the exploding Malaysian pop punk scene (sarcasm). I couldn't find the exact commercial online which was being aired on a music channel called TV V, but I did manage to pull up a few youtube videos with their songs in it. Anyone under 25 could probably guess from listening to a few of their songs, but here is a list of some of their major influences (pulled from their myspace page):

MICHAEL JACKSON, COBRA STARSHIP, SUM 41, NOFX, BLINK 182, GREEN DAY, FALL OUT BOY, THE OFFSPRING, PANIC! AT THE DISCO, +44, PARAMORE BOWLING FOR SOUP, GOOD CHARLOTTE

If these jams don't want to make you sing karaoke, I don't know what will.

2 Countries Later....

It's been awhile since the last blog entry, but that's not to say that nothing interesting has happened or that I haven't been writing. The 2 weeks following the controversial ping pong show blog post has included lots of personal firsts, "mosts", and "-iests": the most impressive religious structure, the "happiest" I've ever felt, the most annoyed I've ever been by locals, the strangest food I've ever consumed, the most scenic/interesting river ride, the busiest city I've ever visited, the most obnoxious American I've ever met, and the first time I've driven a motorcycle.

Needless to say, I have a lot of catching up to do, but luckily about half of these future online posts are already hand written in my hardback journal. It's already 1:44AM here tonight, and I'm supposed to get a decent amount of sleep tonight to make up for my insomnia during my nearly 2 week bender, so I will only write this quick post. Expect a barage of posts in the next week, which will hopefully bring our trip up to speed for everyone.

And just to keep you interested, there's another controversial post coming up real soon....

Currently in Hoi An, Vietnam

Listening to: Piebald (I forgot how much I liked this sarcastic Boston rock band. Too bad they broke up last year)

Piebald - The Stalker from amandalynferri on Vimeo.

Photos of the past few days

A picture from inside Ta Prohm, one of the many temples of Angkor. Tomb Raider was filmed here.



Best pizza place in Siem Reap...I'll tell you why when I get home or if I finish writing my song about it. The song is called "Room 16".

Ping Pong without the paddles

Let me prelude this post with a message to my parents. Mom, i told you on the phone before i left that a ping pong show was just a bunch of Asian people playing ping pong...i lied. If i were you, id stop reading this post unless you want to be disappointed in your oldest son.

Last night I learned something about the female body that isnt taught in any high school anatomy class. Apparently its taught in Thai anatomy classes, because I just witnessed some talented strippers last night that were able to use their vaginas in ways that i never thought was possible.

As soon as the sun drops, every tuk tuk driver in Central Bangkok is tries to get you to go to a ping pong show. We hate tuk tuk drivers (a post about this hatred will come soon), so we avoid them at all cost. Instead of hiring a pesky tuk tuk driver to take us to one of the shows, we decided to find a taxi to drive us Bangkok's most famous area for sex tourism Papong. In the past, Papong used to be full of Go Go clubs and people looking for sex. It still has that, but now a lot of non-dirtbags (like ourselves) go there for the spectacle of the famous ping pong shows. Upon arriving on the street, we are greeted by a local who tries to persuade us to go to a show at a place called Super Pussy.

After some negotiations, we get in for 200 Baht which includes a bottle of Singha. Apparently, every other tourist inside that we talked to paid 300 Baht, so we got a good deal. The second we sit down at a table, we are swarmed by 6 local Thai girls. They start crowding us, and rubbing their hands on our shoulders and chest, saying things like "suck and f**k, 100 Baht". We repeatedly deny their offers until they finally walk away from us and start attacking the old farang at the other end of the bar. We decide to stand up by the stage to avoid further contact by the hookers. It works for the most part, except for a few girls who sack tap Chris and rub our shoulders. The show took place on a stage on the inside the bar. There were probably 20 strippers who performed vagina tricks. Of the 20 strippers, all of them were extremely unattractive. Let's just say, the strippers in Thailand aren't big fans of 'trimming the hedge'. Anyone who legitimately gets aroused from these girls or the things that that they do on stage should be locked away from the human population.

Let me share with you some of the things I watched a vagina do last night.

- smoke a cigarette. imagine a girl squatting with a cigarette between her labia, puffing out smoke. this was my favorite.
- shooting darts at balloon targets. this girl used a straw, put the straw inside her vagina, and shot darts 5ft above her at balloons. she only missed once, and the dart went flying into the table of 40 yr old American sleaze bags
- pulling out 20 ft of glow in the dark ribbon from the vagina.
- drinking some sort of clear liquid from a coke bottle, then shooting it back in the bottle as Coca Cola. I have no idea how she did that. She then tried to give away the Coca Cola to one of the onlookers.
- shooting ping pong balls about 8 ft to a volunteer who is holding a paddle and hits the ball back. this was the main headliner.

Of all the topics I've written about in my past blogs, this has to be one of the easiest post to write. All I really had to write was "girl smokes cigarette from vagina" and the post would have been entertaining.

watching and betting on Muay Thai fights tonight. Look for the post tomorrow.

Bangkok: first 2 days, PART 1

Here are some initial observations and experiences of Bangkok after 2 days.

Khao San Rd

When you listen to stories from backpackers traveling to Thailand, you will naturally hear about Khao San Road. Let me paint a mental image for you: Imagine the smelliest, grimiest, dirtiest, sleaziest street in your respective city. Add some neon signs, drunks throwing up in the street, bar maids with signs saying "Strong cocktails, we do not ID", street vendors selling boiled black scorpions, numerous flea ridden guesthouses, sketchy looking massage parlors. Essentially, that is Khao San Rd. It's a street where you don't want to live on, but the party scene is amazing. The downside is that it is loaded with tourists. In fact, the majority of Thais you will find here are working at the nearby businesses. We stayed on the street for one night because we got in so late and all our first options in the surrounding area were booked. We are now staying at Lamphu House http://www.lamphuhouse.com/default.htm in an alley ('soi' in thai) off of the main street. Soi Rambutri has a better selection of street vendors, and is a bit 'classier' with its numerous hookah bars and tiled street.

Like some 40 year old man told chris and I in the Taipei airport, "Bangkok makes Florida Spring Break and New Orleans look like teddy bears". That's a bit extreme, but I'm sure a big reason for his statement was the insanity of Khao San Rd. I hate that I love this road so much.

Thai Food

Unlike Latin America, where I am fairly familiar with local dishes and how to pronounce them, Thailand food is a bit intimidating. First of all, there are so many specialties so its hard to choose just one that you want to try. Also, I have no idea what they are called, so I end up doing a lot of pointing to other people's food. Despite what many people say, outside of the Khao San Rd area, a lot of Thais do not speak English, so it's kind of hard to describe what I want without hand gestures and broken English.

The food I have tried is outstanding. The spices and sauces that you can add to most of the foods is so hot that I thought I had burned a hole in my esophagus (and that was for breakfast!). However, unlike Coolio's hit single off of Gangstas Paradise, its never 'too hot'. I hate that I don't know the Thai word for napkin because every meal I eat, my nose is running like a faucet. (I just looked it up and its spelled ผ้าเช็ดปาก. That does me no good). All the dishes I have tried are some variation on noodles and meat. Today in Chinatown, Chris and I ate large bowl of noodle soup that contained shrimp, pork, and some kind of meat balls for 25 baht each (for those of you doing math, $1 = 35 baht). Last night, we ate some tasty chicken and egg pad thai in the street for 30 baht. Bangkok's street food selection is like one huge Dollar Menu selection, except for the fact the food is 237 times better than anything served at McDonalds.

Temples (Wats)

We've only been here for 2 days and we've already seen a fair share of golden buddhas and temples. I won't comment too much on this because its not very entertaining or humorous. I will mention that the architecture of the temples is so detailed and ornate that I could literally spend days taking pictures of different stuctures. Wat Pho was the largest and most interesting temple that we have seen thus far. Wat Pho is a huge temple that houses the gargantuan golden statue of the Reclining Buddha. Surrounding the big temple are multiple smaller structures, pillars, ornate cones, and of course more buddhas. The holy property covers over 20 acres of land and is home to 1000+ buddha statues.

A smaller temple we visiting yesterday had preserved monks sitting Native American style (got to be political correct these days) on a raised platform. Let me repeat: these are preserved monks, meaning that they are the actual bodies of monks who have died, just coated with some substance to keep their skin from rotting (does skin rot? I couldn't think of a better word). It was very House Of Wax-ish. I had a picture, but I accidentaly deleted it, a classic Mig move.

I have run out of time on this internet session, but I will finish this post tomorrow.